How Sibling Relationships Impact on All Adult Communication

Growing up, the dynamics of sibling relationships are a place where we often learn to interact with others.

Our communication models reflect those modelled to us, those very patterns that were allowed to flourish or reinforced to flourish, and the even the patterns of communication our own parents had with their siblings! In this way we unintentionally pass on generational little and big 't' traumas and dramas that older generations also endured.

While many of us develop an understanding of basic communication, delving into the psychology behind sibling interactions can be fairly hairy in most families. Frequently when self actualisation gains are made in other areas, it often doesn't translate to family relations, so strong id the patterning. Much emotional tension can be created to and fro-ing between the newer intentional communication skills and well worn habits of relating to each other.

Transactional Analysis (TA) serves as a model through which we can begin to understand the heat in the interactions that occur between individuals. Developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne in the 1950s, T.A., has since become a pillar in understanding communication patterns, roles, and behaviours in interacting with other humans.

Did You Even Know There Are Three Communication Levels?

The T.A. model categorises three distinct ego-states that we fall into in communication with another: Parent, Adult, and Child, each influencing how we interact. Here's a brief overview:

• Parent: This ego-state embodies values, rules, and judgments absorbed from authority figures during our formative years. Interactions in this state can range from nurturing to controlling. Frequently when a sibling takes a parent role even ever so slightly, the other sibling falls into a child state and vice versa. A sibling may take a well ingrained child state forcing the other sibling to respond through the role of a parent, and the the more each embodies the negative aspects of this role, the other reacts with an equal negative reaction! Ouuuuff - big emotion!

• Adult: The Adult ego-state is marked by logic and objectivity, free from the emotional biases often found in the Parent and Child states. Communication here is balanced, respectful, and focused on understanding. In sibling relationships this can be confusing when an individual stays in their adult or neutral communication model as well established communication patterning in ego roles has been occurring for a long period of time unchecked. They assume responsibility for themselves and do not make demands or blame the other they are in communication with.

• Child: The Child state reflects our emotional and spontaneous responses, heavily influenced by our shared childhood experiences. Conversations in this state can be playful and free or marked by learned behaviours from our upbringing. This is also the state of poor me, why me and helplessness or being the victim and will often shrug off or hide from facing their issues and taking responsibility. Once again, this is a creator of big emotions and disconnect.

When We Assume And Mirror States, Just Because They Exist

One fascinating aspect of the three state model is how siblings often mirror the ego-state they encounter. If one sibling assumes a parent role, the other may naturally slide into the child role, leading to imbalanced communication dynamics, discord and disharmony.

This phenomenon is particularly evident in sibling relationships where certain roles have been accepted or encouraged and become deeply entrenched throughout childhood. These patterns are difficult to break as if one sibling realises the patterning the other sibling feels uncomfortable with the communication change and inadvertently tries even harder to flip the communication back to the 'normal' pattern.

These patterns often show up when we interact with others in other areas of our lives, as our brain autopilots similar situations.

Overcoming And Preventing Patterning

Understanding the three state model holds significant implications for not sibling relationships, but parenting, romantic relationships and business communication as well. Really in all interactions. When we predominantly engage from an adult ego-state in our relationships we are more likely to foster cooperation, mutual respect, and healthier communication.

As parents ourselves we often wish to create a better world for our children and create more ease and emotional intelligence. It's essential as we parent to encourage siblings to treat each other as equals and model and encourage self responsibility, teach choice over blame and encourage communication being in our own power - adult-adult communication styles and to model this themselves.

Learning non-violent communication and becoming aware of your own communication styles as a parent fosters more grounded and neutral communication styles in children and between children. Being aware and dissolving triggers that cause the change to the opposite ego states with EFT and other tools, makes way for better understanding, but also allows for constructive conversations and better bonds with less walking on eggshells.

As Romantic or business partnerships, Really the same applies. we teach others how we wish to be treated. If we assume a victim or child stance then we attract the likelihood of a partner assuming the opposite role - that of a parent. So how do we resist this flip into a parent or child state in communication? You can only do you, stay in your the middle ground, in your power, your locus go control and that of an adult when communicating. If the other flips, recognise communication is a two way street and reflect on how you 'did' your adult state. As a leader if the parent / child child/parent dynamic is causing friction perhaps for workplace culture it is worth investigating professional or team development on 'knowing thyself' and communication styles. Most of the population has never received any other knowledge of communication styles to reduce friction other than saying yes! Saying yes actually leads to resentment and toxicity in relationships as well, so shining light on communication and communication models and patterning pays dividends in all areas of life. Read about the importance of saying no here.

Dissolving Unhelpful Patterns

The Parent-Adult-Child model provides valuable insights into the subtle dynamics in all interactions and communication patterning. When we start to recognise these patterns and consciously choose to be grounded and neutral, we begin to listen and hear what is being said, and respond rather than react. We become more responsible for ourselves, aware of when we go into autopilot responses to patterns dominate or rebel, fawn or be submissive.

When we know ourselves, and can see our own patterns in any area of life, we can cultivate more mature and fulfilling relationships in all areas of life.

Next time you find yourself in an emotional charged conversation, consider the ego-states at play.

Carla Mardell, creator of Mindset in Mayhem, helps busy individuals step away from stress and overwhelm, reclaim their time, and reset limiting beliefs that hold them back. She guides workplaces and clients through self awareness and transformation in her workshops and one-to-one sessions, empowering them with tools to experience greater fulfilment and contentment.

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