Why Learning To Say No Is Really Learning So Much More!
I remember many years ago, feeling a wave of resentment and frustration washing over me as I reluctantly dragged my feet across the road to feed the kindy chickens. Again.
I had been putting this off for at least two hours, but now we were heading out, and it had to be done. It had been two long years of feeding those chickens every Saturday and Sunday, even though my child had left the kindy years ago. It was draining my energy, causing massive procrastination, and the worst part? It wasn’t even about the chickens. It was the repetitive act of doing it again and again that weighed me down.
You see, I had said 'yes' to this task so that the teachers didn’t have to come in on weekends. That’s what I did back then – I saved people. I was once a teacher myself and knew the exhaustion that came with the job. I thought I could share the burden because I lived just across the road.
So, I fed the chickens because that’s what a decent neighbor should do, right? That’s what had been modeled to me my entire life – lend a hand if you are capable.
The busier you are, the more worthy you are, right?
In all my years, I had never seen the women in my life say 'no' to helping out. They always put others before themselves, even capable members of their own families. It wasn’t until I attended one of my first sessions that I saw my pattern clearly. I realised I had the choice to say 'no'. It wasn’t the chickens causing my funky state; it was me! I had chosen to say 'yes', and I kept saying 'yes' when I could have chosen at any moment to say 'no'.
So, I did. I said 'no', and what a relief it was. Now, my weekend mornings are doing things with my family, doing things that fulfil and rejuvenate us, or things that rejuvenate me. All because I felt uncomfortable, saw a pattern, and learned the power of saying 'no'.
Have you ever said yes when you mean no, and why do we do it?
In modern grown up life, women often find themselves saying "yes" more frequently than they'd like. At the heart of this behaviour lies a complex mix of generational patterning, societal expectations and subconscious and conscious core beliefs and it goes deep!
From a young age, many women are socialised to be accommodating and nurturing, often placing others' needs above their own. This cultural conditioning fosters a mindset where saying "no" feels like a betrayal of their traditional roles as caregivers and supporters, a pattern that still underlies many women despite independence and traditional gender roles moving on. The internalised belief set rests on primal conditioning and pack mentality coming from a need for acceptance by the pack for survival, and a common misguided concept that worth is measured by the ability to help and please others. Mix in some guilt and fear when saying 'no' and this combination makes it challenging to say 'no', manage time, set boundaries and prioritise self-care and wellbeing. In fact many women in this pattern experience severe emotional dis-regulation as their world whirlwinds and they rush from place to place.
The tendency to say "yes" is often reinforced by guilt and or a fear of disappointing others. Busy women often worry that turning down requests will lead to conflict, rejection, or a perception of incompetence, that they are not good enough. Sometimes this belief set is compounded by people-pleasing tendencies, where the desire for approval and validation becomes more important than the needs they themself have. The approval of bosses, colleagues, family, and friends pushes them to overextend themselves even when they are already stretched thin.
This constant cycle of saying "yes" can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-identity, depression, anxiety or just being frozen in inertia as their own needs are continually placed last on the list and they rush around like a chook with their head chopped off! I'm going out on a guesstimate here, but since women around the world have several hours less leisure time in international surveys, I'm wondering if it's the saying 'no' issue being mostly a thing that women suffer from with their 'good girl' comformity mask?
Breaking free from this pattern requires a conscious effort to redefine the core beliefs and challenge the ingrained habit of people-pleasing and what meaning has been giving to it.
Once women can release themselves from the overwhelming chaos with a mix of EFT Tapping and Coaching then they can truely understand that saying 'no' is not an act of selfishness, but a necessary step towards self-care and allowing others to learn independence and problem solving skills. By learning to say "no" with confidence and grace, they can reclaim their time and energy, fostering a healthier and more balanced life. It’s complex yet learning to say no and dealing with the behaviour and belief patterns leads to more emotional regulation, time for self and overall contentment and joy in life.
Learning to say no to what you don't desire, creates space to say yes to that which you do desire!
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download the free THE ART OF SAYING NO | 28 Essential Reminders Guide
Carla Mardell, creator of Mindset in Mayhem, helps busy individuals step away from stress and overwhelm, reclaim their time, and reset limiting beliefs that hold them back. She guides workplaces and clients through self awareness and transformation in her workshops and one-to-one sessions, empowering them with tools to experience greater fulfilment and contentment.
Download the free THE ART OF SAYING NO | 28 Essential Reminders Guide here
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